


The 15th Tango

by Starshe11



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Cell Block Tango, F/M, References to Chicago - Kander & Ebb & Fosse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 21:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14089809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starshe11/pseuds/Starshe11
Summary: “He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it…I betcha you would’ve done the same!” | Inspired by "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago





	The 15th Tango

Somewhere in the Plane of the Astrals…

 

Bahamut let out a sigh as he waited for the next set of defendants to appear. It was his turn to preside over the court to the afterlife this week, a job he despised. If only he hadn’t fallen for that “Frail Old Man” act of Ramuh’s…

…And if only he didn’t know the defendants from a parallel universe.

 

As if on cue, six spheres of light had appeared before him. These immediately burst into a shower of sparkles, each one revealing very familiar figures.

“Well, let’s get this over with.“ He shook his head in exasperation before turning to greet the newcomers.

 

“Welcome, ladies,” the Astral said. “If you were not previously aware of this before, I am Bahamut, the Draconian. But for now, you may view me as the only thing that stands between you and a peaceful afterlife. So,” he nodded. “Shall we begin the trial?”

All six women nodded before turning away from Bahamut, causing him to grunt in confusion. What exactly were they planning to do?

 

Then out of nowhere, music began to play.

 

“Snap!” The busty blonde nearly spat out.  
“Six.” A silver-haired woman in black spoke, disgust apparent in her tone.  
“Woosh~” The only black-haired woman of the group hummed calmly, causing Bahamut to facepalm in aggravation.  
“Uh-uh!” The youngest of the group, a girl with short hair, blurted out with a terrified expression.  
“Leville.” A woman with her brown hair tied up in a messy ponytail continued.  
“Amicitia.” The dark-skinned woman with curly hair finished.

 

The six began to dance, the motion all at once enthralling and strange. A few seconds later, Leviathan popped out of nowhere.

“And now,” the Hydraean said. “The six merry murderesses of Eos, and their rendition of the 15th Tango.”

Before Bahamut could ask Leviathan what the hell she was doing there, she disappeared as quickly as she had come. Seemingly unfazed, the women continued to sing.

 

“Snap! Six. Woosh~ Uh-uh! Leville. Amicitia.”

 

“Snap! Six. Woosh~ Uh-uh! Leville. Amicitia.”

 

“Snap! Six. Woosh~ Uh-uh! Leville. Amicitia.”

 

Then all six had turned to face the Draconian, gathering in a circle before singing once more in unison.

“He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it…I betcha you would’ve done the same!”

At the last line, the circle broke off so the empty space was the one directly facing a now confused Bahamut. 

 

Oh well, at least the trial wouldn’t be as boring as it normally was.

 

Once everyone had settled into their positions, Cindy Aurum began to speak.

 

“Y’know how people have these lil’ habits that getcha down?” The blonde mechanic began. “Like, Prompto. Babe pretty much snapped pics like every five seconds. Every. Five. Seconds.”

“So I get back from Hammerhead this one day. I’m really pissed and lookin’ for a bit of lovin’ and sympathy from ‘im. And there’s Prom: flyin’ about and snappin’ away. Again.” She growled. “So I said to ‘im…I said to ‘im: ‘If y’all snap a pic one more time…’ And guess what? He did!” 

 

“So I took his Auto Crossbow from the wall an’ fired two warnin’ shots…” She trailed off, a wicked smirk on her lips. "Into his head.”

 

When Cindy had finished, she took her place once more in the circle before they all began to sing.

 

“He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it…I betcha you would’ve done the same!”

 

Then as before, the circle broke off and the next person gave their testimony. Once she saw everyone was in place, Aranea Highwind-Scientia told her tale.

 

“I met Ignis Scientia from the City of Insomnia about two years ago. He told me he was single and we hit it off right away,” she drawled. “So we started living together. He and I would go off to work, we’d come home. I’d fix him his Ebony, he’d cook up dinner.”

“Then I found out…single, he told me? Single my ass!” She snapped. “Not only was he married…oh, no, he had six wives. One of those followers of Etro, you know. So when he came home, I fixed him his Ebony as usual.”

 

“But you know,” the military woman scoffed. “Some men just can’t hold their arsenic.”

 

The other women giggled fiendishly as they let Aranea back into the circle before singing once again.

 

“He had it coming. He had it coming. He took a flower in its prime. Then he used it, and he abused it. It was a murder, but not a crime!”

 

“Snap! Six. Woosh~ Uh-uh! Leville. Amicitia.”

 

The chorus ended as the women made way for the next person in their group to take her stand. Seeing who it was, Bahamut groaned and muttered, “Why are you even here, Glacian?”

 

“Now, I’m standing in the kitchen and preparing our ice cream for dessert. I was minding my own business…then in storms my husband Ardyn in a jealous rage. ‘You’ve been screwing the Infernian,’ he says.” Gentiana hummed. “He was quite crazy, and he kept on screaming, ‘You’ve been screwing the Infernian!’”

 

“And then he ran into my Diamond Dust~” She practically sang as she made her way back into the circle. “He ran into it ten times~”

 

“If you had been there, if you had seen it…I betcha you would’ve done the same!”

 

A shaking Iris then made her way out of the circle, her brown eyes filled with tears as she choked out her testimony.

 

“What am I doing here?” She sniffled. “They said Dustin held down my boyfriend when I kicked off his head…”

“But it’s not true!” The teen cried out. “I don’t know why Captain Drautos says I did it! I tried to explain in the courtroom, but they didn’t understand!”

“Did you do it though?” Gentiana asked gently.

 

“Uh-uh!” Iris shook her head vehemently as she went back to her place in the circle. “Not guilty!”

 

The next defendant immediately stepped up to the plate, arms folded across her chest.

“My husband Nyx and I had this double act, and the Oracle Princess Lunafreya traveled around with us.” Crowe Altius-Ulric spoke. “For the last number in our act, we had about 20 stunts and tricks in a row: one, two, three, four, five…spells, spread chocobos, back flips, warp strikes, one right after the other.”

 

“Well this one night, the three of us were staying at the Leville in Altissia…having us some booze and a few laughs when we ran out of ice.” She shrugged. “So of course, I went to get some. I come back, open the door…and there’s Luna and Nyx doing number fifteen: the Spread Chocobo!”

 

“Well, I was in such a state of shock that I completely blacked out, so I honestly don’t remember a thing.” Crowe admitted. “It wasn’t until later when I was washing the blood and ashes off of my hands that I even knew they were dead!”

 

“They had it coming. They had it coming. They had it coming all along!” She sang. “I didn’t do it. But if I’d done it…how could you tell me I was wrong?”

“They had it coming (they had it coming), they had it coming (they had it coming), they had it coming (they took a flower) all along (in its prime).” Crowe continued to sing, the other women harmonizing with her. “I didn’t do it (then they used it). But if I’d done it (and they abused it), how could you tell me (it was a murder) that I was wrong (but not a crime!)?”

 

Then Sania Yeagre came up to tell her story, a calm and analytical look on her face.

“I loved Gladiolus Amicitia more than I can possibly say. He was a really interesting guy: sensitive for his bulk, and had a way with words.” She sighed. “But he was always trying to find himself, to find inspiration for his stories.”

“So he’d go out every night to find all of that.” Sania tsked. “And on the way, he found Holly, Coctura, Monica and Noctis…”

 

“I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences.” She shrugged as she moved back to her original place. “He saw himself as the most inspired writer alive…and I saw him dead.”

 

“The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum! The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum! They had it coming, they had it coming, they had it coming all along. ‘Cause if they used us, and they abused us, how could you tell us that we were wrong?”

 

“He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you had been there, if you had seen it…I betcha you would’ve done the same!”

 

“You snap a pic one more time…” Cindy growled.  
“Single my ass!” Aranea scoffed.  
“Ten times~” Gentiana crooned.  
“Not guilty…” Iris sighed.  
“Number fifteen: the Spread Chocobo.” Crowe laughed.  
“Artistic differences!” Sania shouted incredulously. 

“Snap! Six. Woosh~ Uh-uh! Leville. Amicitia.”

 

Then with a flourish, their performance was over. Bahamut, still trying to process their cases, was silent for a few beats before saying anything.

 

“I will give you all one more chance at life,” the Draconian groaned. “I will ask someone to reset the timeline of your world so this may never occur again. Now, begone!”

With a wave of his armored hand, the women once more transformed into spheres of light and were whisked back to their version of the world, albeit one with a happier ending for all the parties involved in their case.

 

“I need a drink…” Bahamut muttered as he readied himself to teleport to another part of the Plane of the Astrals. “Hopefully Titan has something strong for me…”


End file.
